An Intrinsic Exquisite

and she said

she remembered running away many times under the cover of darkness, with her sons and before that with her mother

she even sounded surprised that this was the first time in my life I had ever considered running away

it was the first time I considered "sneaking" away

I had "run away" once before and did again later

that final time life was defined by the men I was avoiding, leaving, escaping, approaching or defending

maybe all the action in the world is precipitated by women and men are the objects for which, around which, we maintain and create the activities which maintain and create life

ever think o' that?

I couldn't sleep

I wanted revenge
so badly
I couldn't sleep

I could see these people
who had taken advantage of me because I could look on the brighter side
people who use the positive energy of others
to hurt and destroy everything lovely and alive

I could see how I had become their victim over and over again in trying not to be
a pessimist
I had become a pawn in an ugly game

and now I could try and declare
myself free - I could try

revenge, I told myself, won't get me my freedom,
it will just dig me in deeper and deeper and deeper

to hell with it

I don't need to lie to myself about people any more

I can try to live with the truth of what I know
take a chance to speak the truth
not for the sake of the other person, but for my own sake
to keep the windows from fogging up too badly

and yet, and yet I still want revenge
I want my enemies to suffer, to cry out, to find themselves
in desperate need of the light they have extinguished in others

I am no Saint, God/dess knows

I want revenge even while I abhor its twisted logic
I want my enemies to burn in a hell of regret