An Intrinsic Exquisite

I like a good story

one told long
and clear

I like a good tale

if the tail is nice
that's good too

I don't know why
I still miss him

and I don't know who
I'm missing
because I didn't really want him, not really

I kept wanting him not to be him
to be a different him

is there "a" him?

am I imprinted
able to recognize "him"
when I, what?
fuck? "him" or
see? "him"...

nah
I can't believe that nature or God is so particular
it has to be more like a whole swatch
a continuum of hims
and any of those will be ok
really

would it be better, would I be happier with myself if I had married the first
or the third
or the fifth person I slept with (fucked)?

how about if I'd married the first
third or fourth person
I fell in love with (not necessarily having fucked them)?

would that have been a better life for me than the one I've lived?

can't say -
not sure