An Intrinsic Exquisite

I guess I am

coming down to earth
or up to earth

or learning to notice
where I've been all along

I wanted to be the kind of woman that men would want. not unlike the woman who is making herself the prefect Barbie doll, not unlike the women I know who have sacrificed everything, every part of their identity to serve a man. not unlike the average female who takes pride in her man more than in herself

I wanted to be the sort of woman who sacrifices everything for love. and I was. sort of. it's like putting on costumes for sex, for fucking... maybe it sounds like it will be fun but it ends up being a detour, a side track, a way away from the ecstasy waiting, hands open, the welcoming Christ, for our brief encounters with the other..

only real encounters have enough energy to reach ecstasy and real encounters are so rare. and impossible if someone is being who she knows darn well she isn't, not really...

but even if I did lie, pose, pretend, even dress up now and then, there were other times, times when I met another person, naked and we swam in an ocean of ecstasy into the sun. I have managed that, yes. I know it's not impossible. and I know when I meet someone for whom that experience seems an impossible dream

but that's not what I wanted to talk about. what I wanted to talk about was how I felt, how I feel, I have let myself down. it wasn't good enough for me to experience who I really am and let myself grow, I had to try on every sort of possible personality

my father had said to me so many patronizing things. but weren't fathers in those days still attempting, trying to be the paternal figure? weren't these men supposed to patron-ize their daughters? wasn't that the appropriate thing. yeah. I think so. but one wonders to what extent patron-izing and cruelty have been one and the same. I wonder

I hope that you wonder about that too

anyway, why can't I ever get to the point on those hot, steamy, sultry nights when the crickets wail and the cars search the highways for nirvana? the point is that I was always able to be the friends of men. always. but that didn't seem to be enough

at first men didn't pursue me. they came to me to ask my advice on how to pursue the attractive women. I wanted more than anything to be pursued. I wanted more than anything to be the sort of woman that men had to ask advice on how to attain, how to woo her

I did it finally. but I didn't like it. I felt lonely. apart

when they are my friends, men, I feel good but sad. when they pursue me, I feel lovely and thrilled. I don't think either feeling is that great.