Why is my partner hurting
There no are specific factors that determine whether
a person will be abusive or not. There are many explanations given
for the abusive behavior, but studies have shown us otherwise. Here
are examples of common explanations, excuses, or explanations and
why these are not acceptable answers:
* The batterer has a drinking
and /or drug problem. "He only abuses me when he is drunk."
Drinking or drug use does not cause the domestic
violence. In fact, many women report an increase in violent behavior
once the usage has stopped because the abuser can no longer use
alcohol and drugs to cope with their negative feelings (stress,
sadness, anger). Also, chemical dependency is primarily harmful
to the user, whereas domestic violence is primarily harmful to the
victim. Chemical dependency may be equal between men and women,
but the victims of domestic violence are overwhelmingly women (95%).
* The batterer has a mental
illness. * Studies have shown that except for rare cases
most mentally ill individuals are not prone to violence.
The batterer is under a lot of stress, i.e. he's having
problems at work, he just lost his job... * True, he may be under
a lot of stress, but YOU and/or your children are the only ones
he takes his "stress" out on.
* He isn't a "batterer".
" I don't bleed or have broken bones". * Battering means causing
bodily injury. Under Texas law, that includes causing pain. The
batterer doesn't have to leave marks for it to be abuse.
There are many reasons and explanations given for
battering behavior, but why do they abuse? It comes down to one
thing...domestic violence is effective. His abusive behavior keeps
you doing what he wants you to do. You do what he says and what
he wants so you are not hurt. He stays in control of every aspect
of your life. This behavior is a choice and he is very much in control
of it. Ask yourself ...
* Does he lose control of his
anger and abuse other people? (I.e....co-workers, his boss,
strangers on the street, his friends) * Does he treat other people
differently when he's angry with them than when he is angry with
you? (i.e....does he abuse them when he's angry with them or does
he abuse you when he is angry with them?)
How did you answer?
Abuse is not a "loss of control" because you are probably
the only person (and/or your children) that he CHOOSES to abuse.