oh my god, i thought i loved you

i did love you, what am i thinking? of course i loved you
and you loved me
that was the trouble - love
if we hadn't loved each other then it wouldn't have mattered that we couldn't get along
it wouldn't have mattered that we had different religions, mine of the self denigrating kind
yours of the self aggrandizing
and we just could not agree who was going to determine what and when and how

but how we loved
oh my god, how we loved and loved and loved and wished and hoped

there is nothing sure about love is there? just the willingness to have your heart break
ache for the wholeness that eludes and escapes and never realizes itself because people
don't know how to change the past, their habits of being, of thought, of rage, and of course
there's always the social reality of getting along and making money

but we loved each other and we tried to make it work
in our ways, different but real and even loyal to a fault
but strategy is part of it isn't it? strategy is part of survival and love has to fit in with kill
or be killed and when we started killing each other we knew it was hopeless, the love
we lost our faith in ourselves as much as in each other

two assassins saw in each other the reality that neither would ever, ever give up
and so we both, being gentle, left the field

but oh my god how we loved