An Intrinsic Exquisite

and why do I need

to be seduced?

is it a bad habit that began when I was 17?

can a woman my age be even interesting/attractive enough for a man to try and seduce her?

is it masochistic to like to be seduced or merely feminine?

is feminine masochistic or is S&M a distortion, a perversion of something basic and valid within human sexual response?

or not a perversion at all but rather, our painless version an evolution and S&M the original, more fundamental permutation?

the first time my heart was utterly broken
completely annihilated, I was somewhere around 21 years old..
it took me twenty years to deal with that

I had tons of affairs
but no one ever was loved as much
as deeply by me

and then I loved again
but I could not make myself believe that I would not be betrayed
and then I was betrayed

and what I want to know is
did I make it that way or choose it that way?

the difference is important to me

I can't seem to get comfortable in my life with me
I can want a man until I have him as a lover and then I feel claustrophobic and want it over

I guess I don't think that I can really fall in love again
like it's a spring that got sprung too much too often
just enough to lose its spring - its bounce is gone, all gone
no love left, no bounce
no hope that a man could come into me and I would genuinely want him there

I circle around myself and there is nothing at the center because there is no one to share it with

I see all these developed people where I live and they have no friends
no thoroughness to the connections they have with other people
loads of superficial
and yet personable
interactions but so much nowhere for the soul to alight

and the story that Americans are hopelessly shallow and materialistic is absolutely true.
it is not an exaggeration, I so very much wish that it was