my father's
suffering
this vile simplicity
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when I was 14 my father told me that he wanted
to die. I tried to talk him out of it, thinking that he would kill himself
in some majestic dramatic act, that was, it seemed to me, his style. but
he had something else entirely in mind
it took him 25 years to kill himself. his was a
slow and agonizing suicide but, like most suicides, it was meant as a
message to those around him. he embraced the negativity that so disgusted
and depressed him, became enraptured by it all
he died, finally, of a combination of grueling
self-disgust in anguish. once he had no need for happiness, things became
simpler. though I think he was always disappointed that he never managed
to live without pain
he was in constant pain. what no one ever bothered
to show or explain to him, the oasis that joy and hope provides, he had
no conception of... in his mind joy and hope made him vulnerable and that
was unacceptable
he looked for relief from pain from drugs, ritualized
sex and cathartic attacks on others
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