An Intrinsic Exquisite

seesaw

protect myself

keep my soul inside
intact
but poisoned and afraid

I am trying to learn to risk again

trying to find someone to love with again

but it's hard because I don't want to be loved that seesaw way

I hate being accused of infidelity

you accuse me because you know you are bland
boring
dead inside

I would like to find a life somewhere

it's your own betrayal of yourself that you are projecting onto me...
let yourself live and be in life and love with me and you will have no reason to fear infidelity from yourself or from me

I don't understand male fear

you seem so bold and brash
I don't understand why you hide behind symbols of power, cars and cash
why you expect me to be another proof to yourself of how good you can be

the thread that's missing here isn't only intimacy
it's also something to do with change and growth and existential terror

we are all so afraid

I want you to steady the world for me
while you expect the same from me
but is that such an impossibility?

because we each know how to do it
here or there
but no one can do it everywhere
so we offer our support in what comes easy and ask for support for what comes hard

but somehow, over and over, someone makes this superior to that
the seesaw stays with one side high

but the fun is in mixing it up
the fun is in the alteration
the joy in the sliding up and down
knowing that the weights are evenly enough balanced to make the journey worthwhile

when you stay down and keep me with my feet off the ground
then leave abruptly and I crash down
I hate being loved that way and I can't bring myself to ask you to stay

instead I manage to stay away, avoid the ride. hide