Getting help in Austin, Texas

FAMILY VIOLENCE

Why is my partner hurting us?

There no are specific factors that determine whether a person will be abusive or not. There are many explanations given for the abusive behavior, but studies have shown us otherwise. Here are examples of common explanations, excuses, or explanations and why these are not acceptable answers:

* The batterer has a drinking and /or drug problem. "He only abuses me when he is drunk."

Drinking or drug use does not cause the domestic violence. In fact, many women report an increase in violent behavior once the usage has stopped because the abuser can no longer use alcohol and drugs to cope with their negative feelings (stress, sadness, anger). Also, chemical dependency is primarily harmful to the user, whereas domestic violence is primarily harmful to the victim. Chemical dependency may be equal between men and women, but the victims of domestic violence are overwhelmingly women (95%).

* The batterer has a mental illness. * Studies have shown that except for rare cases most mentally ill individuals are not prone to violence.

The batterer is under a lot of stress, i.e. he's having problems at work, he just lost his job... * True, he may be under a lot of stress, but YOU and/or your children are the only ones he takes his "stress" out on.

* He isn't a "batterer". " I don't bleed or have broken bones". * Battering means causing bodily injury. Under Texas law, that includes causing pain. The batterer doesn't have to leave marks for it to be abuse.

There are many reasons and explanations given for battering behavior, but why do they abuse? It comes down to one thing...domestic violence is effective. His abusive behavior keeps you doing what he wants you to do. You do what he says and what he wants so you are not hurt. He stays in control of every aspect of your life. This behavior is a choice and he is very much in control of it. Ask yourself ...

* Does he lose control of his anger and abuse other people? (I.e....co-workers, his boss, strangers on the street, his friends) * Does he treat other people differently when he's angry with them than when he is angry with you? (i.e....does he abuse them when he's angry with them or does he abuse you when he is angry with them?)

How did you answer?

Abuse is not a "loss of control" because you are probably the only person (and/or your children) that he CHOOSES to abuse.